No years 2011

New years eve, a night of disappointment and confusion for many and in the case of Katherine Fugate, a night of one too many alphabet spaghettis which resulted in a projectile mess of gelatinous letters in which the script for the cinematic representation was created.

Have you just got some money from $anta (mummah) and just don’t know what to do with it, beat the fire works celebration at South bank and come along to the powerhouse (a treat in itself) for a chilled night full of fun, music and just a tad of art. Dance along to the likes of TOURISM, DUM DUM GIRLS, THE HOLIDAYS, BALL PARK MUSIC, THE LAST DINOSAURS, THE JUNGLE GIANTS , CHARLIE MAYFAIR AND SO SO MUCH MORE.

Alternatively a paddock with one strobe light and $900 worth of antihistamines would be fun but I just don’t have that much cash.

But for now I will leave you with a few quick questions with Brock Smith from Triple J’s Unearthed artist of the year- Ball Park Music to push you over the fence (or should I say out of the ball park, (I’m sorry I have been with my family for too long this festive season) to come along and welcome 2012 with a bang, of music and who knows what else after the party starts.

What is the worst New Years Eve you have attended?

Well our worst New Years ever was actually spent as a band. I suppose new years eve itself wasn’t a terrible time but the morning after at about 5am Sam and I woke to a thumping on the window and eventually what we thought was a door opening, but as I limped to look (with a broken leg at the time) the house was empty (we thought). We went back to sleep but eventually found out a drunken man had made it into our bathroom and passed out on the toilet. 4 hours of trying to wake him up later, security finally came and got him out only to find he had left us a brown suprise in the bathtub…

On a scale of 1-10 how excited are you for no years?

10/10. As long as there are no more brown suprises involved.

What are your top 5 celebrity death predictions and how?

1. Hugh Heffner. From an overdose of a less conventional ‘party drug’ and a terminal case of priapism. 2. A member of Nickleback - Surely someone is willing to end their stream of musical diarrhoea. For further reading see www.worstbandintheworld.com, Serious do it. 3. Iggy pop, Pretty sure that guy is an (awesome) living performing zombie 4. Jack Black - I think he has spent too much time chasing the cake of destiny lately. 5. Is too many celebrities to condemn.

Write an acrostic poem for no years

N - Now

O - Our



Y – Year has

E – Ended.

A – Are you

R- Ready to get

S- Silly.

A zombie apocalypse has been predicted for 2012, where do you go, who and what do you take?

I’d Go as far away from a shopping centre as possible as that’s where everyone dies in the movies and take guns, chomps And Jack Black because after we’re out of chomps there’s plenty of him to go round or to offer to the zombies to keep them busy for a while.

2011 life regrets?

NOTHING LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND NEVER LOOK BACK ALWAYS.

Draw your ultimate New Years Eve



For more details on tickets and times please visit

Website- http://www.noyears.com/

Facebook-http://www.facebook.com/events/173317552752991/

YUKSEK at OH HELLO

Our friends at Oh Hello have given our readers an alternative to the awkward bus commute to a friend of a friends house party, only to get there at 10:30pm to find 5 people watching a dvd. Yuksek is playing on New Years Eve and we have a double pass to give away to see the French dj.



All you have to do to win is allow me to take pleasure in your sadness by uploaded a picture of the worst Christmas present you have received this year on our facebook.

Maybe it will beat my giant 3kg sparkly ceramic goldfish which now sits on the dinning room table out of sear spite.



Details on the event here- http://www.facebook.com/events/289994507685048/

Bats facebook on how to win- http://www.facebook.com/events/289994507685048/#!/batsmagazine

Nine Lives x No Years: Poster Callout

Speaking of callouts (I admit this is not the most creative segue but it will have to do), Nine Lives Gallery is looking for submissions for a poster exhibition which is being held at NO YEARS Festival at the end of this year.

They want Brisbane’s best artists, graphic designers and photographers to submit all types of creative posters. Best of all, they’ll get to show alongside some amazing established creatives including: Beastman, Numskull, Leif Podhajsky and WeBuyYourKids!

Submissions close 3pm December 7. For details on how to enter, click here.

In the meantime, I leave you with this tasty promotional video made by local artist, Amy Longworth. Warning: You may develop Type 2 Diabetes after the video has completed.

Calling All Designers:

Consider this an official shout out to all the young fashion designers out there (you know, the ones with the freakishly calloused fingers). We’re currently looking for designers to feature in our next issue’s photoshoot! Interested? It doesn’t matter what you design; mens or womens, day or evening wear, swimwear, jewellery, lingerie, pajamas or halloween costumes for your ferret… we wanna hear from you!

Get in contact with us at featured@batsmagazine.com

How To Poo In Public: The Definitive Guide

photo by Gem McDonald

For the past week I have been pondering the longevity with which the stench (pun queen xoxo) of this article would linger around my life, but then I thought, fuck it. Laying a brick, taking a dump, dropping the kids off at the pool – everyone in the entire world poos and yet, there is something cripplingly horrifying about the thought of having to drop one off anywhere but home. So instead of fearing the public poo, I am going to teach you ways in which to accommodate both its needs and your dignity.

words by Jessie Power

THE POO PILLOW

An age old favourite, dating back to the days of school when going to the toilet for anything other than reapplying make-up and texting your boyf, (or Mum in my case, “What’s for dinner?”), was an abomination on femininity. I’m serious, a friend of mine recently told me that a girl he knows legitimately has a sign stuck on the back of her bathroom door that says, and I quote, “GIRLS DON’T POO”. If this is your philosophy, chances are you’re either mentally ill or an alien. Regardless, the poo pillow is a technique that ensures stealth and security when going public. Basically, fill the bottom of the toilet bowl with a soft layer of tissue paper, and when I say soft, I mean it, if you go to town on that toilet roll you’re going to block to the toilets and create a river of poop. Once you’ve crafted sufficient padding, you’re good to go, the sound will be muffled and no one will suspect a thing!

THE CONVENIENT COUGH

If you are on the toilet and need to fart, stage a coughing fit and afterwards emerge from your stall holding an asthma pump. No one will think you’ve got flatulence issues, if anything, they’ll just feel sorry for you.

COMMENCE YOUR SOLO CAREER AS A MUSICIAN

While pooing, rap Super Bass by Nicki Minaj at the top of your lungs, and if that doesn’t scare off every other person in that public toilet, leaving you to poo in peace, then you’re probably in Inala.

HIT THE HAND DRYER

This method, though guilty of conspicuousness, does the trick. It’s rather self-explanatory. Walk into the bathroom, hit the hand-dryer, seek comfort in being masked by the sweet “whooooooosh” noise. Particularly useful for the explosive product of a hangover.

There are a myriad of creative tricks you can come up with to make your public pooing experience a care free one and to share this notion of comfort, be a pal and share your tips with your friends. Like gay marriage and having a deep adoration for the Twilight saga, bowel movements should no longer be taboo topics, but openly embraced by all realms of society.

Until then, remember what I taught you and happy pooping!