How To Poo In Public: The Definitive Guide

photo by Gem McDonald

For the past week I have been pondering the longevity with which the stench (pun queen xoxo) of this article would linger around my life, but then I thought, fuck it. Laying a brick, taking a dump, dropping the kids off at the pool – everyone in the entire world poos and yet, there is something cripplingly horrifying about the thought of having to drop one off anywhere but home. So instead of fearing the public poo, I am going to teach you ways in which to accommodate both its needs and your dignity.

words by Jessie Power

THE POO PILLOW

An age old favourite, dating back to the days of school when going to the toilet for anything other than reapplying make-up and texting your boyf, (or Mum in my case, “What’s for dinner?”), was an abomination on femininity. I’m serious, a friend of mine recently told me that a girl he knows legitimately has a sign stuck on the back of her bathroom door that says, and I quote, “GIRLS DON’T POO”. If this is your philosophy, chances are you’re either mentally ill or an alien. Regardless, the poo pillow is a technique that ensures stealth and security when going public. Basically, fill the bottom of the toilet bowl with a soft layer of tissue paper, and when I say soft, I mean it, if you go to town on that toilet roll you’re going to block to the toilets and create a river of poop. Once you’ve crafted sufficient padding, you’re good to go, the sound will be muffled and no one will suspect a thing!

THE CONVENIENT COUGH

If you are on the toilet and need to fart, stage a coughing fit and afterwards emerge from your stall holding an asthma pump. No one will think you’ve got flatulence issues, if anything, they’ll just feel sorry for you.

COMMENCE YOUR SOLO CAREER AS A MUSICIAN

While pooing, rap Super Bass by Nicki Minaj at the top of your lungs, and if that doesn’t scare off every other person in that public toilet, leaving you to poo in peace, then you’re probably in Inala.

HIT THE HAND DRYER

This method, though guilty of conspicuousness, does the trick. It’s rather self-explanatory. Walk into the bathroom, hit the hand-dryer, seek comfort in being masked by the sweet “whooooooosh” noise. Particularly useful for the explosive product of a hangover.

There are a myriad of creative tricks you can come up with to make your public pooing experience a care free one and to share this notion of comfort, be a pal and share your tips with your friends. Like gay marriage and having a deep adoration for the Twilight saga, bowel movements should no longer be taboo topics, but openly embraced by all realms of society.

Until then, remember what I taught you and happy pooping!

November 24. 14 Notes.