Nine Lives x No Years: Poster Callout
Speaking of callouts (I admit this is not the most creative segue but it will have to do), Nine Lives Gallery is looking for submissions for a poster exhibition which is being held at NO YEARS Festival at the end of this year.
They want Brisbane’s best artists, graphic designers and photographers to submit all types of creative posters. Best of all, they’ll get to show alongside some amazing established creatives including: Beastman, Numskull, Leif Podhajsky and WeBuyYourKids!
Submissions close 3pm December 7. For details on how to enter, click here.
In the meantime, I leave you with this tasty promotional video made by local artist, Amy Longworth. Warning: You may develop Type 2 Diabetes after the video has completed.
How To Poo In Public: The Definitive Guide
photo by Gem McDonald
For the past week I have been pondering the longevity with which the stench (pun queen xoxo) of this article would linger around my life, but then I thought, fuck it. Laying a brick, taking a dump, dropping the kids off at the pool – everyone in the entire world poos and yet, there is something cripplingly horrifying about the thought of having to drop one off anywhere but home. So instead of fearing the public poo, I am going to teach you ways in which to accommodate both its needs and your dignity.
words by Jessie Power
THE POO PILLOW
An age old favourite, dating back to the days of school when going to the toilet for anything other than reapplying make-up and texting your boyf, (or Mum in my case, “What’s for dinner?”), was an abomination on femininity. I’m serious, a friend of mine recently told me that a girl he knows legitimately has a sign stuck on the back of her bathroom door that says, and I quote, “GIRLS DON’T POO”. If this is your philosophy, chances are you’re either mentally ill or an alien. Regardless, the poo pillow is a technique that ensures stealth and security when going public. Basically, fill the bottom of the toilet bowl with a soft layer of tissue paper, and when I say soft, I mean it, if you go to town on that toilet roll you’re going to block to the toilets and create a river of poop. Once you’ve crafted sufficient padding, you’re good to go, the sound will be muffled and no one will suspect a thing!THE CONVENIENT COUGH
If you are on the toilet and need to fart, stage a coughing fit and afterwards emerge from your stall holding an asthma pump. No one will think you’ve got flatulence issues, if anything, they’ll just feel sorry for you.COMMENCE YOUR SOLO CAREER AS A MUSICIAN
While pooing, rap Super Bass by Nicki Minaj at the top of your lungs, and if that doesn’t scare off every other person in that public toilet, leaving you to poo in peace, then you’re probably in Inala.HIT THE HAND DRYER
This method, though guilty of conspicuousness, does the trick. It’s rather self-explanatory. Walk into the bathroom, hit the hand-dryer, seek comfort in being masked by the sweet “whooooooosh” noise. Particularly useful for the explosive product of a hangover.There are a myriad of creative tricks you can come up with to make your public pooing experience a care free one and to share this notion of comfort, be a pal and share your tips with your friends. Like gay marriage and having a deep adoration for the Twilight saga, bowel movements should no longer be taboo topics, but openly embraced by all realms of society.
Until then, remember what I taught you and happy pooping!
The Walk of Shame: A Walk To Remember
photo by Racheal Crowther
The Walk of Shame is one that we have all done… some more than others — I myself seem to do them quite a bit, because hey, I am kind of a slut and after seven drinks I’ll go home with just about anybody.
There are a handful of places throughout Brisbane in which I have woken up, some better and more accommodating than others. And in the interest of raising the morals of our readers, I share with you some of my stories in the hopes that they will offer some tips on the best places to wake up. Though straight off the bat I will say this: ladies, never wear fur coats.
Fur coats are always a tell-tale sign of a walk of shame, either that or people just think you’re a hooker.
Fortitude Valley
The walk of shame through The Valley is probably the best one. Though it’s definitely better on a Friday morning rather than a Saturday or Sunday morning, because the markets can be difficult to weave through with only 3 hours of sleep. The best thing though is that when you ask for a coke with your McBreakfast — no one judges you, they’re totally used to it.Paddington
Depending on the time of day, Paddington can be both good and bad. If you’re doing an 11am dash then you’re kind of in the clear. Most people will have finished having breakfast and are not around anymore. However any earlier than that and you are normally confronted with dining Yuppies or worse: old people jogging. You can try and blend in and pretend that you’re going for an early morning jog, but again that fur coat makes that really hard.New farm
I was shocked and appalled by New Farm: I have never felt so judged in my life. I swear if one more young couple looked me in disgust I was going to have to throw my stupidly overpriced fruit smoothie at them. Seriously, fuck you Gen X! Don’t pretend like you didn’t do the exact same thing in 2001. At least I’m not doing it with a “hilarious” slogan t-shirt and Millennium Mohawk like you all did.Brisbane City
I once had a man, who was selling some charity items, heckle me with the phrase, “Buy this! It’ll match your bloodshot eyes!”. That really sums it up.Graceville
I awkwardly did a walk of shame in Graceville once. I don’t really know why. Especailly because my house is closer to the valley than Graceville and the whole thing was kind of redundant. To be honest, I was probably the most frightened in Graceville. As to avoid walking past a child;s birthday party in which a loud and frustrating water fight had just broken out, I wondered into some bushlands and saw a snake and the walk of shame was cut short as I made my mum come and get me. Seriously I can’t handle that shit.I hope my stories of stumble have amused and enlighten you and remember ladies, seriously avoid the fur coat, I really cannot stress that enough.
Skater Chix
words by Alice Rezende
There is nothing worse than writing on a Facebook event wall why it is that you’re not attending said event: this is called The Not Attending Whine. The honest truth being, most people don’t care and the event host is going to get quietly pissed off with you for about 10 minutes during his/her lunch break despite delighting you with a very polite return comment. If you’ve ever been a host, you will know that they secretly hate acknowledging that you are going to “a really important 21st”, caressing Dolphins in Hawaii for 3 months, or just “hanging out with Mum”. You bloody liar.
Anyway, I may or may not have done The Not Attending Whine in what I found to be one of the coolest events yet to ever grace my fingertips on Facebook the other day. Whilst casually stalking my friend Kate, I noticed this:
… And this is how I found out about a start-up girl ‘skate gang’ happening in Brisbane a la Skate Witches, minus the leather jackets since it’s so fucking hot right now.
Formed by a group of girls who run the QUT Women’s Collective (and insist feminism is not a bad word), the Women’s Skate Gang Launch aims to get a shitload of girls keen to go skating together. The launch of this gang bang is happening Tomorrow, November 19th at Musgrave Park. Foods and beverages are encouraged and so are cute boys and non-QUT affiliated peeps. The event says it’s all in the name of fun – meaning no one will be landing double kick-flips on your foot or pushing you down the half-pipe with a dirty grin on their faces. It also tells you to bring a helmet. I laughed.
(But seriously, safe skateboarding is a lot of fun.)
Personally, I started crushing on the idea of girl skaters when I first saw my friend Vlada speed down James St after a night of beers and breaking plastic chairs. She bent down on the board while cars flashed past the crossroad and then disappeared into the corner. I stood there, barefoot (she sprinted out of the house really quickly, I had no time) and frozen until she came back laughing. From that moment on I thought she was THE badass of New Farm badasses. I thought she was a frilly-skirted goddess. So, the next morning I texted her and said I was buying a skateboard. Her reply was the equivalent of a shrug and a ‘meh’, which made me all the more eager to spend my money and make her love me like I loved her skating.
But if you really want to know, the life of a skater isn’t as easy as it looks. Be aware of leg bruises and that knee pads are a sign of pussy-ness. Be aware of lolling your body around on concrete. And that you’ll always look stupid carrying a skateboard in the city/at the line at Macca’s (been there done that). Be aware, mostly, of drunken Filipino lads saying they can land all these awesome tricks but instead sucking hardcore at life in general. Really he’s just trying to steal your board while your boyfriend is still drunk inside the house. If you can emerge victorious after that, and still wear a frilly skirt with confidence, then congratulations, you have finally found a use for your Vans shoes. Now let’s go skatin’ bitches, make me proud while I’m away caressing Dolphins on the Sunshine Coast (sozzz!!! can’t attend etc etc etc!).
Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi
There’s a few things in life I believe should be free: cable TV, KFC and postal services.
But the internet definitely tops that list. And while we can count our blessings that Australia isn’t under any prominent internet censorships (sorry China), internet usage is proving to be freaking expensive. As a result, we’ve put together a list of the best FREE Wi-Fi spots available in Brisbane:
Written by Kelsey Heinrichs.
PUBLIC TRANSPORT
As of this year, Queensland Rail gave public transport commuters one reason to stop hating their life so much. They’ve started rolling out free Wi-Fi across trains, stating it will be available on 64 of their services by the end of 2012.Though at the moment it’s really a game of hit and miss. If you are on a free Wi-Fi service, you will be notified via a poster featuring two fucking annoying looking girls (one who is apparently married but still feels the needs to wear blue eye shadow on the morning commute) using their iphones and loving life.
Brisbane City Council has also jumped on the bandwagon like the substantially less good looking and talented younger brother they are. Just days ago they’ve launched a three-month trial of free Wi-Fi buses, and they are pretty fucking hard to miss:
YOUR NEIGHBOUR
If you’re lucky, your dickhead neighbour may be that much of a dickhead as to forget to put a password on their wireless. If that is indeed the case, you have my permission to log onto their internet and download as much porn as you see desirable or until his/her downloads get capped. If you manage to overhear a very loud groan of “argh why is the internet being so slow? herp aderp” from next door, give yourself a fucking medal and continue seeding.STATE LIBRARY OF QUEENSLAND
I love the state library, more than you will ever know. Seriously, that shit is amazing. And while they have had their free Wi-Fi services for years, and do not have any imposing download limits (!), the internet there is fucking slow. Unbearably slow. Plus all the good (illicit) websites are banned. Which is a good thing in a way I guess, because if you’re at a library you really should be reading a book or at least be attempting to study.MCDONALDS
You have seriously lost the game of life if you’re sitting at maccas, surfing the web on your laptop and eating enough calories to feed the entire cast of The City. That’s why people have internet plans - so they can do that shit in private.BRISBANE POWERHOUSE
Last year, the good folks at Brisbane Powerhouse started offering free Wi-Fi services at their venue with unlimited downloads (!!). I’m not exactly sure whether this still stands, but you only have to spot one hipster on his macbook pro drinking overpriced beer in the bar area to confirm this.
